Ultimate party... who wants to come?

I have a profile on another site, and one of the questions on it is: "If you could have any three bands play at your party, who would it be?" Someone asked me to answer the question, and because I'm pretty impressed with my response, I'm posting it here. :D

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I seem to have shot myself in the foot picking that particular question for my profile. It's NOT easy to answer. I thought long and hard about it while watching The X-Factor (because sadly, that is what my Saturday evening consisted of,) and decided that to answer it properly, I must ask another question: what type of party are we talking about, specifically? I could think of many, many possibilities, but in the interest of brevity I will use three examples.

First is my hypothtical Halloween party. For this, I'd want the following:
*** Opening the triple bill would be Nine Inch Nails, in whatever incarnation they find themselves. As long as Trent Reznor is there, I really could care less about the rest of the band. I would first require Trent to start doing cocaine again, so that he'd drop a few pounds and stop resembling the Incredible Hulk. I prefer my Trent Reznor coked-out skinny, with long hair.
*** Next up, to lighten the mood after the melancholic rage of NIN, would be the Red Hot Chili Peppers. But they have to break out the fabled tube socks, play lots of their older stuff, and Anthony Keidis must make out with me after the show.
*** To close, I'd have to go old-school with the original Guns n Roses. (Well, maybe not the *actual* original band, as I think one or two minor members may have changed, but I want Slash and Duff and the crew.) I mean, really, how freakin' AWESOME would that be, the REAL GnR?!?!?


Secondly, I considered entertainment for a good old-fashioned "hog-killin." In case you are not familiar with the concept, this consists of a bunch of American rednecks buying a live hog, butchering it themselves, then cooking it up in a specially-made grill. During the day while it is cooking, we snack on the crispy hog-skins, consume copious amounts of PBR(*see footnote,) and all the young'uns swim in the river and run around barefoot. I haven't been to one of these since I was a kid, but it was always a good time. Whatever southern-rock cover band my dad was in at the time usually provided the musical entertainment, but for my ULTIMATE HOG KILLIN that just won't do. Keeping in mind the tastes of people who'll likely be there, I've compiled a pretty phat set...
*** First, I'd warm up the crowd with a nice long set by the Allman Brothers. Their music was ubiquitous during my childhood, and I still think it's some of the prettiest music out there.
*** Next, I'd kick things up a notch with a little band from Texas, ZZ Top. They may not be the best band ever, but the rednecks love 'em, and hearing anything by them always makes me smile. (I had considered the Black Crowes instead, but as I've seen them twice -- once with Jimmy Page! -- I decided to go with ZZ Top, whom I have never seen.)
*** Now it's time for the big gun... miraculously, I have resurrected the great Stevie Ray Vaughan from the dead. I find his guitar playing to be an auditory striptease, and his VOICE! It's the sound of Jack Daniels and Marlboro Reds at midnight, and I LUUUUUV it. Hearing the opening to "Couldn't Stand the Weather" never fails to set my loins aflame, for lack of a more poetic term. I can assure you that many, many illicit redneck copulations will occur after his set. (Or perhaps even during. "Pride and Joy" is one of the most popular love songs in the American south...)


Lastly, my own hypothetical birthday party. God, this was hard. I listed about 20 bands/artists in my head, then had to think of some way to narrow them down. Well, since it's my birthday, I want to be happy. So I thought of the albums I like to put on when I'm really feeling cheerful, and came up with this:
*** To start, I want the now-defunct Smithereens. I dunno what it is about them. Maybe because my mom liked them so much. I just love them. :D Especially For You is in constant rotation in my CD player. They make me happy. :D
*** Next, I want the Foo Fighters, for several reason. First, I recently (after much agonizing thought!) decided that "Everlong" is my favorite song ever. I know it's much cooler to claim some obscure Smiths song or something as your favorite, but I don't care. It's a song I've adored since it first came out, and I still get happy anytime I hear it. Second, Dave Grohl is someone who I really respect. He was in Nirvana, for chrissake, then totally switched instruments and sang in his new band, WHICH DID NOT SUCK. And they STILL do not suck. He drums with all the cool people too, like Queens of the Stone Age. AND he made an album with old-school metal gods. AND he has yet to sell out, like most other bands eventually do. And I've never seen the Foos live, so yeah, they're definately playing my birthday party. Oh, and Dave Grohl has to make out with me after the show. Because he's also a total cutie. ;)
*** Lastly... I'm reuniting David Lee Roth with Van Halen. Because really, I can't think of anything more awesome happening at my party. But he has to let me duet with him on "Panama," because it's my SONG. ;) (I know of at least two people who have excellent blackmail-worthy footage of me doing a drunken rendition of Panama at karaoke...)
*** Okay, I know I only get three, but this kind of counts... after VH's set, I want Sammy Hagar to show up and do some Van Hagar stuff. Because I LUVs me some Sammy Hagar. And it's still Van Halen, so that counts, right? Sammy must also do tequila shots with me after the show, then make out with me.

Wow, that was long. Okay, I'll shut up now.

:)

*PBR: an extremely cheap beer loved by the rednecks and broke college students of America for it's ubiquity, pleasing taste, cheapness, and kitcsh-factor.