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Jun. 19th, 2006 12:00 amSo today is Father's Day, here and back at home. The only good thing about this for me is that there was a Father's Day Simpsons marathon on TV today.
Although I technically do have a father, I don't know what it's like to have a father. After my parents divorced, my brother and I would go to his house for the court-sanctioned bi-monthly weekend visits. But nine times out of ten, he was away for most of the time playing a gig at some random redneck bar somewhere, while Rocky and I would stay at home with our stepmom and stepbrother. I notice that whenever we reminisce about those days, it's always like, "Oh, remember the time Lori and Erik and us did this..." never, "Oh remember when Daddy..." Because he just wasn't there.
And when he was there, he was still apathetic. And let's not forget the whole making his children feel guilty because he had to pay our mother *GASP!* $68.50 a week for our support. I'll never forget that number as long as I live. Just the other night on The Simpsons, Milhouse asked his dad for money for an ice cream, and his dad goes, "What happens to that 68 dollars I send your mother every month?" And I just laughed and laughed. And that episode where Homer gets Lisa that video storybook thing from the mall kiosk for her birthday... yep, that could be me and my dad. In fact, sometimes I think the writers for that show must be talking about me and my dad. Ha ha.
So I don't know what it's like to have a father. I don't know what it's like to be "daddy's girl," or have to ask two parents for permission to do something, or to know that there is a man out there who will kick some ass if anyone messes with me. I even get sad when watching that show about Hulk Hogan's family, because he seems like such a good dad. Fuck, I even got a little teary when I heard that song Ozzy did with Kelly.
I know I'm lucky to have such a great mom. She's completely kick-ass. She has supported me in whatever decisions I've made in my life, and never pressured me to do anything. But sometimes (quite often, in fact,) I can't help wondering what my life and my personality would be like if I'd had a dad who wasn't totally apathetic towards his children. If I hadn't been raised in a home devoid of any male influence except for my younger brother. Would I be as cold and indifferent in the relationship department? Perhaps I'd actually be able to function like a normal fucking human being with dating and everything. Wouldn't that be something.
This Christmas, it will be three years since I have seen or spoken to my father. It sucks because I no longer go to the annual Talley family Christmas party, because I know he'll be there, and I just can't be around him without getting upset. So that means I have tons of aunts, uncles, cousins, and baby cousins whom I never get to see unless I randomly run into them. Which sucks, but it's the choice I had to make, for my own emotional health, I suppose.
I guess my point is, I really would like to have had a father in the conventional sense. If I had, I think I would be a more trusting, loving, less cold, less fucked-up person than I am, especially towards men. I'm not whining or boo-hooing or being all "woe is me." This is how my life is, and I've accepted it. But I guess it's just human nature to wonder what life is like on the other side of the fence.
Although I technically do have a father, I don't know what it's like to have a father. After my parents divorced, my brother and I would go to his house for the court-sanctioned bi-monthly weekend visits. But nine times out of ten, he was away for most of the time playing a gig at some random redneck bar somewhere, while Rocky and I would stay at home with our stepmom and stepbrother. I notice that whenever we reminisce about those days, it's always like, "Oh, remember the time Lori and Erik and us did this..." never, "Oh remember when Daddy..." Because he just wasn't there.
And when he was there, he was still apathetic. And let's not forget the whole making his children feel guilty because he had to pay our mother *GASP!* $68.50 a week for our support. I'll never forget that number as long as I live. Just the other night on The Simpsons, Milhouse asked his dad for money for an ice cream, and his dad goes, "What happens to that 68 dollars I send your mother every month?" And I just laughed and laughed. And that episode where Homer gets Lisa that video storybook thing from the mall kiosk for her birthday... yep, that could be me and my dad. In fact, sometimes I think the writers for that show must be talking about me and my dad. Ha ha.
So I don't know what it's like to have a father. I don't know what it's like to be "daddy's girl," or have to ask two parents for permission to do something, or to know that there is a man out there who will kick some ass if anyone messes with me. I even get sad when watching that show about Hulk Hogan's family, because he seems like such a good dad. Fuck, I even got a little teary when I heard that song Ozzy did with Kelly.
I know I'm lucky to have such a great mom. She's completely kick-ass. She has supported me in whatever decisions I've made in my life, and never pressured me to do anything. But sometimes (quite often, in fact,) I can't help wondering what my life and my personality would be like if I'd had a dad who wasn't totally apathetic towards his children. If I hadn't been raised in a home devoid of any male influence except for my younger brother. Would I be as cold and indifferent in the relationship department? Perhaps I'd actually be able to function like a normal fucking human being with dating and everything. Wouldn't that be something.
This Christmas, it will be three years since I have seen or spoken to my father. It sucks because I no longer go to the annual Talley family Christmas party, because I know he'll be there, and I just can't be around him without getting upset. So that means I have tons of aunts, uncles, cousins, and baby cousins whom I never get to see unless I randomly run into them. Which sucks, but it's the choice I had to make, for my own emotional health, I suppose.
I guess my point is, I really would like to have had a father in the conventional sense. If I had, I think I would be a more trusting, loving, less cold, less fucked-up person than I am, especially towards men. I'm not whining or boo-hooing or being all "woe is me." This is how my life is, and I've accepted it. But I guess it's just human nature to wonder what life is like on the other side of the fence.
